The Death of a Dream

I've always, from the time I can remember, wanted to be a missionary, seriously, before I was even following Christ…. Odd as that sounds.  I have always, from the very beginning,  found my identity in that.  In my inner most being I have always been a missionary at heart.  When something was amiss, when something seemed off, or I needed to make a decision.  I always went back to that on simple truth…. I AM A MISSIONARY.  It was kind of my mission statement, how I decided my next move, the ground I stood on.

until…..

It wasn't.  

The hardest thing I have ever faced is the death of my dream, my life, my identity.  The moment it hit me I felt sick, a deep nauseous feeling in the most inner part of my being.  I wept bitter tears…. not on the outside, but in my soul.  Ugg…. It was a horrible day, week, month when I realized this new truth…. just horrible.  

BUT... when the mourning stopped there was a freedom that I had never known, just waiting for me.  The world is now open to me.  I am no longer State Side just waiting for my call to leave.  I am grounded, present, living here…... North of Eden.  Portola is not my dream location and we are not in my dream home, but we are free.  We are free to love, free to choose, free to be who and where we are,  free to find our way, and free to create adventures right were we are.  Free to just……... BE.

So, here I am now.  I retired my old blog with my old ideas and my old way of life…. I thought about revamping it (the blog), I thought about just moving on with my past right there in my background, easy to look back on…. but I couldn't.  I had to shed that piece of me to move forward…. truly forward.  The blog is still there, you can still read about my journey, I may even bring back some of the archives, some pieces of wisdom here an there, but my hope is something very different for this space.  My hope is to be present here.  My hope is that I will look at where I stand in that moment, possibly look forward to the future, but not to live in the past, where I was, what I believed, how I lived, the mistakes I made, or even at the future that could have been.  I want to be present, I want to be real… sharing real things, real struggles, real beauty, real fun, and real heartache.  I'm sure this blog will go though seasons of drought, seasons of shallowness, seasons of intense beautify and also of intense sorrow, because it will follow myself and all that is beautiful and imperfect in this life.