Warning: This post is about sex. If you are a person who would feel uncomfortable knowing about this bit of me you may want to skip this one….
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When I married the man of my dreams I was not "pure". As in I was not a virgin. I was guilt ridden and remorseful, and wished more than anything that I could take it back, and be new and pure and worthy of this guy, who had so lovingly kept himself for me. I knew it was not the sin of all sins, but I also know that it would always be there, always effect us…. it was the cost of my sin, of my lust, of my wondering. I knew we would always have some underlying issue, of jealousy or an unhealthy, unsatisfying sex life of our own…. I knew I would never be fully his, and that he could never be fully mine.
That was my truth because it was the story that i had been told over and over again by the church… Youth pastors would describe sex outside of marriage as the chewing gum that has been passed around till it has no flavor, used up and unwanted... trash. A piece of paper that has been crumpled and can never be flattened, no matter how hard you try there are still creases and lines all over it. 'Yes you could be given grace but you could never undo the hurt that you had caused to your God, your future spouse, or yourself', they would say.
Ya done screwed up, and it was over you can't undo it, you're worthy of nothing (yes, just teeny tiny bit dramatic… but that's exactly how it felt)….
Yes, I had a sexual relationship prior to my husband, but it was committed and loving and, well…. good. Sure we had issues, we were young, we were not super responsible, and had no idea about ovulation (teach your kids about ovulation…. seriously….). There was absolutely bad mixed in there with the good, and I'm glad that, that relationship ran its coarse, we were pretty obviously not meant to be, and I'm glad we did realize that and moved on…. but it wasn't bad, the relationship wasn't, and I don't regret it…. at all. Any of it. I honestly don't (anymore). The physical part to the relationship was just the natural progression of a loving relationship, hormones, and the idea that you just want to be physically close to a person that you are emotionally close to.
I'm not going to argue sin or morals or anything…. I honestly don't know…. that part of it doesn't really matter to me because I know that I would have been 1,000 times heather, 1,000 times happier, to have just enjoyed my decisions, to have had fun, to have thought back on them with acceptance…. even…. fondness.
The real honest truth is, for me, guilting myself, is really the only thing that i regret from my experience. It has absolutely not had (as far as I can tell) negative effects on our marriage. We are happy, satisfied, and secure in our marriage. We love each other deeply, we enjoy each other's presence, and we have fun in the bedroom. We have issues, we do have creases and lines that can not be flattened out, but not because of our previous sex lives, or because of our 'trash', but because we are people, we are beautiful, unique and wholly imperfect, everybody has hurts and scars and regrets that will never go away…. But I'm not sure that any of them have (for us) come from having a previous relationship, or sex, or watching porn, or any other "shameful sexual sin". And truthfully when I stopped feeling bad about my past I started enjoying my present more, in every aspect of my life, from sex, to exercise, to parenting, to holding my husband's hand. My whole world became more beautiful, more enjoyable, and FUN.
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My intention was not to bad mouth my church or my youth pastor. Yes, I think they did their part to help screw me up…. but I'm healed now, I have support and love and I no longer deal with guilt or unworthiness, I no longer have the need to hate my past in order to love my present. I'm happy, I'm in love and have the most beautiful family in the world. We're not perfect, but we're as close to Eden as I can imagine.
What i do want is something better for my children. I want them to be highly educated about the whole thing (ovulation, hormones, safety issues, love, teen pregnancy…. all of it), to know that their worth does not hang on the decisions they make regarding sex (or anything else), to be able to make the best choices for themselves and to know that I support them, to be free to make mistakes and know I'm there for them, to regret only the things THEY feel bad about, not things that others made them feel bad about….. I want them to love, and take risks, make memories, and, honestly, I want them to enjoy sex whether they choose to wait for marriage or not.
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*This is my experience, my story (since it's the only story I have the privilege of telling). I absolutely know that other people feel differently because of their stories, and that is totally legit, tell your story, tell me I'm wrong, but remember to please be kind*
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