The Nagging Wife

Expectations, in my opinion, take the life right out of a marriage…

I've always worked really hard to not earn the title of nag.  I believe that if one of  us wants something done, than that person should be responible for finding a way to make it happen.  So when I realized that I was pushing my own expectations on my husband I was a little shocked and embarrassed.  You see, in this one area of life I totally had blinders on, and could not see how I was failing, or the damage it was causing to our relationship.  In this one area I was so in love with the direction we I was headed, and the positive results that I could see blooming all.over.the.place. that I lost sight of peace and acceptance in our marriage and replaced it with nagging and resentment (and lots of rolling eyes…. cause I'm mature like that).

When I found unschooling and peaceful parenting I was 100% smitten.  I knew that this is what I had been looking for, and it lined up perfectly with all of my thoughts on love and Jesus an acceptance, and addressed all the issues I've had with promoting behaviorism, and brought all of those ideas, so beautifully, into our home.  Mmmmmm! Oh my goodness I could go on an on about how much I love it all.  I couldn't believe how well it all fit into our my life. There was just one little hang up…. Danson…. he was not totally sold, he liked our former (authoritarian) parenting style, and was not ready to dive in and change everything.  He didn't necessarily agree that there is no place for behaviorism in the home, and absolutely wanted to hold on to "please" and "thank you" (and politeness in general) as mandatory.  He liked some of the ideas behind unschooling and had reservations about a lot of it.  I was smitten, though, and the one parenting full time… and…. smitten…. so I dove in.  I didn't discuss the pros and cons of the whole thing, address his concerns, or even express understanding, and support with the questions and reservations he had.  What I did instead was jump in full throttle and then shame him, scold him, and correct him when he wasn't parenting the right way the way I thought he should.  I built a brick wall between us, and did not even allow him to interact with his own children without some kind of guidance.  And…. I had no idea that I was even doing it.  I had no idea that I had become the very thing that I had tried so hard, for all of our years together, to avoid becoming.  I had become a NAG.

I realized I needed to do something, after all I was clearly placing expectations on him, and it was completely unfair.  But it was HARD, parenting is my passion!  It's the thing I think about most of my waking hours, the thing I judge myself most harshly on, that I'm always trying to improve on,  and the thing that I feel I am best at.  It felt as though letting him parent his own way was going to ruin it all… That it would cause me to fail at the one thing in the world I want so badly to wholly succeed at.  Over the coarse of some months (yeah, it took months….) I realized a couple things that changed the way I looked at the whole situation.

Parenting is not everybody's #1 priority- And it doesn't need to be.  Danny loves his kids, he's a good dad, but it absolutely does not consume his day.  He has lots of passions, lots of talents, and lots of goals, and I would venture to say that most of those don't involve his family.  Does he love us? Absolutely!  Are we his entire life?  Mmmm… Not so much. He is not going to read every parenting book, or study unschooling.  His opinions on family matters are most likely going to be based on his thoughts in that moment, and have less to do with research or studies.  He'll probably never put the hours and hours of thought and effort into parenting that I do, and that's ok.  He plays with them and talks to them and laughs with them, and reads to them (because, like I said, he is a good great dad)…. and, honestly, the rest I'm willing to do, because it is my passion.

The united front thing is BS- It's something that all of us have been told over and over, "you need to be a united front in front of the kids or they will divide and conquer"  The idea is that they will use one of us against the other.  We'll have a weak link in your parenting armor.  'United Front' is a military term.  It's used as a strategy to defeat the enemy.  Is that what our children are? The enemy?

I'm only responsible for my relationship with each of my children and my relationship with my husband.  His relationship with them is, and should be, his own.  I should have absolutely no say in people's relationships with one another.  I don't understand the point of us giving off the front of having the same ideas and opinions and parenting ideas….seems like we're trying to pull one over on the kids, and, you know what? They know.  They know when we're lying… kids sniff that stuff out like blood hounds…. If I want to be strong in front of them, I make a point to be honest with them.  I'll truthfully tell them that I don't agree with my spouse, but that I love him, and will treat him with respect no matter his view on this particular issue.

Kids learn by example, my aim is to be the example I wish to see in them. My goal is to be open and honest with them, and, because I don't want to go to war with them, I won't be setting military strategies up against them.

Peace is more important than any parenting philosophy- There are lots of good parents out there, and most of them don't parent like me.  Danson is one of those.  I'd rather him be the best parent he can be according to his beliefs and ideals, than one that parents the way I want, because I bullied him into it.  I want our home to be a happy, freeing place. A place that he wants to come home at the end of the day, where he doesn't feel the need to tip toe around. Where he can be himself and know that it's appreciated, because we love him for who he is.

I want him to have complete responsibility over his own relationships with each of his kids, and I hope that those relationsips become as fulfilling for him as mine are for me.  But I'm determined not to force it, or shame him into it, because that's not real, and isn't REALLY helping anybody…  *I'm still working on all of this, I still cringe sometimes, and I still roll my eyes.  I'm not sure why that is, but I'm committed to moving forward, to the place of no expectations, and acceptance…. because I love him, I want a marriage filled with peace and kindness (instead of behaviourism), and….. because I hate being the nagging wife.*

Unequally Yoked

Somewhere around the beginning this journey, when I had just started questioning things, I was leery of really seeking, because I was concerned that I would discover something that would lead to Danson and I not being on the same page spiritually.  Being 'unequally yoked' freaked the bejesus out of me.  

I wondered if it would destroy my husband if one day he learned that I no longer believed the same as him, as I did when we married. Or if by some horror lost my faith altogether.  Would we loose everything we had? Would there be any connection left? Would there be anything still keeping us together? Would he regret his decision to take me as his wife?  Then I wondered if that was a good enough excuse to drop the questioning and just be 'content in my faith'.  

I ended up coming to the conclusion that I needed to figure out things spiritually for myself in order to really be the best partner I could to him, and also to support him on his own journey.  I found that we needed to be true to ourselves in order to be true to each other.  When we talked, we discovered we were both questioning.  It turns out he felt the same about ending our time as missionaries…. or seeking to become missionaries again.  We were on the same page with our changing thoughts on morality and the authority of scripture, and…. pretty much everything (ok, maybe not everything, but nearly).  Our paths have been separate, but similar.  It totally and completely shocked me. It has been the single most encouraging thing on my journey to date.  I'm so blessed to have his love and support, and because we don't know anybody else in real life that is traveling our same direction it really, really helps to vent touch base on this stuff now and then.  

But…. 

It easily could have been different.  When we marry somebody our life does not stop, we do not stop growing and changing and we don't always end up in the same place as our partner at the end of our journey.  We are not static, as a people, we're all changing and growing and effected by all the experiences of our lives.  Sometimes we find find that the way the person we love has changed, has not been in the way that we had hoped they would. This happens in all kinds of different areas of our lives, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that it often happens in our faith walks as well.  We marry our spouses because of their thoughts, ideas and beliefs and it can absolutely be disappointing to find these things have changed in the person we love.  But it should not be unexpected.

I think it's important to let each other walk our own paths and encourage our spouses to find their own way... even if that means we can no longer relate to one another on a faith level.  We need to work on loving our spouses were they are, and not try to fit them into or 'train' them into the people we wish they were.  There are so many more things (hopefully) holding us together than our faith…. Let us focus on those things, let us love them though those things, and lets make a commitment not to punish them because their walk looks different than Ours.

Some time ago I read a pretty amazing post on this very thing.  I'll post it here, in case you find yourself unequally yoked today, or one day in the future.  Ask a Mixed-Faith Couple is part of the "ask a…"series by Rachel Held Even.  If you are not reading her blog, you really should. This couple does a wonderful job of answering some though questions. Go ahead and take a gander.

*please don't get the idea that I think you should stay in a bad marriage…. I absolutely believe that there is a place for separation and divorce  and exploring those options.   and I absolutely don't condone staying in a marriage just because you think you 'should'.  It takes guts to realize it's not ever going to work and move on, and I applaud those of you that have had the courage to do that. *

A Different Kind of Story

Warning: This post is about sex.  If you are a person who would feel uncomfortable knowing about this bit of me you may want to skip this one….

*********************************************************************************

*********************************************************************************

*********************************************************************************

When I married the man of my dreams I was not "pure".  As in I was not a virgin.  I was guilt ridden and remorseful, and wished more than anything that I could take it back, and be new and pure and worthy of this guy, who had so lovingly kept himself for me.  I knew it was not the sin of all sins, but I also know that it would always be there, always effect us…. it was the cost of my sin, of my lust, of my wondering.  I knew we would always have some underlying issue, of jealousy or an unhealthy, unsatisfying sex life of our own…. I knew I would never be fully his, and that he could never be fully mine.

That was my truth because it was the story that i had been told over and over again by the church… Youth pastors would describe sex outside of marriage as the chewing gum that has been passed around till it has no flavor, used up and unwanted... trash.  A piece of paper that has been crumpled and can never be flattened, no matter how hard you try there are still creases and lines all over it. 'Yes you could be given grace but you could never undo the hurt that you had caused to your God, your future spouse, or yourself', they would say.

Ya done screwed up, and it was over you can't undo it, you're worthy of nothing (yes, just teeny tiny bit dramatic… but that's exactly how it felt)….

Yes, I had a sexual relationship prior to my husband, but it was committed and loving and, well…. good.  Sure we had issues, we were young, we were not super responsible, and had no idea about ovulation (teach your kids about ovulation…. seriously….).  There was absolutely bad mixed in there with the good, and I'm glad that, that relationship ran its coarse, we were pretty obviously not meant to be, and I'm glad we did realize that and moved on…. but it wasn't bad, the relationship wasn't, and I don't regret it…. at all.  Any of it.  I honestly don't (anymore).  The physical part to the relationship was just the natural progression of a loving relationship, hormones, and the idea that you just want to be physically close to a person that you are emotionally close to.

I'm not going to argue sin or morals or anything…. I honestly don't know…. that part of it doesn't really matter to me because I know that I would have been 1,000 times heather, 1,000 times happier, to have just enjoyed my decisions, to have had fun, to have thought back on them with acceptance…. even…. fondness.  

The real honest truth is, for me, guilting myself, is really the only thing that i regret from my experience.  It has absolutely not had (as far as I can tell) negative effects on our marriage.  We are happy, satisfied, and secure in our marriage.  We love each other deeply, we enjoy each other's presence, and we have fun in the bedroom.  We have issues, we do have creases and lines that can not be flattened out, but not because of our previous sex lives, or because of our 'trash', but because we are people, we are beautiful, unique and wholly imperfect, everybody has hurts and scars and regrets that will never go away…. But I'm not sure that any of them have (for us) come from having a previous relationship, or sex, or watching porn, or any other "shameful sexual sin".  And truthfully when I stopped feeling bad about my past I started enjoying my present more, in every aspect of my life, from sex, to exercise, to parenting, to holding my husband's hand.  My whole world became more beautiful, more enjoyable, and FUN. 

*********************************************************************************

My intention was not to bad mouth my church or my youth pastor.  Yes, I think they did their part to help screw me up….  but I'm healed now, I have support and love and I no longer deal with guilt or unworthiness, I no longer have the need to hate my past in order to love my present. I'm happy, I'm in love and have the most beautiful family in the world.  We're not perfect, but we're as close to Eden as I can imagine.  

What i do want is something better for my children.  I want them to be highly educated about the whole thing (ovulation, hormones, safety issues, love, teen pregnancy…. all of it), to know that their worth does not hang on the decisions they make regarding sex (or anything else), to be able to make the best choices for themselves and to know that I support them, to be free to make mistakes and know I'm there for them, to regret only the things THEY feel bad about, not things that others made them feel bad about….. I want them to love, and take risks, make memories, and, honestly, I want them to enjoy sex whether they choose to wait for marriage or not.  

*********************************************************************************

*********************************************************************************

*********************************************************************************

*This is my experience, my story (since it's the only story I have the privilege of telling).  I absolutely know that other people feel differently because of their stories, and that is totally legit, tell your story, tell me I'm wrong, but remember to please be kind*

Trying Not to Run

I have been wrestling lately, and my lately i mean the last 3 or so years.  My faith has changed to the point where my former self would have called me a heretic, would say I have lost my faith, would say i have lost my way.  And…. maybe I have.  I'm at the point where I'm not sure about much… I look around and can not deny intelligent design, artistry in nature, morality, or our innate need to believe in something bigger.  That, for me, is truth…. But i am realizing i don't know much beyond that.  And I think I am going to have to ask some big questions, no matter how sucky that is.

There is so much that I don't like about the Church / Christianity / the Bible, things that I no longer believe, and that I'm confused about that I wonder what is left of the faith that once described me.  On the flip side…. there is so much that I love about Jesus / Grace / Spirituality, so much that I do believe, and a lot that I am confident in (and people in the faith that I dearly love, not just because of who they are, but also, you know, who they follow) that I can't just cut the strings that seem to hold me here and just, you know, run.  Running is what I want to do, what feels right, what feels good.  Just running, and believing, like i always have…. or not…. just making a decision…. not doubting, not wavering.  I hate doubting cause it feels…. wrong… it feels scary… but…. Thinking, hashing it out, exploring, digging though, questioning myself, questioning God, honestly questioning everything i know, talking about it….. working though the doubt and landing where I land…. that's what I know I need to do…. It's just so…  so uncomfortable, so confusing.

Leading to the Death

… (previous post Death of a Dream)

To be clear I would absolutely move abroad in a heartbeat.  I still love the idea of an Ex-Pat life, and I still dream of living in a warm place near the beach and not paying millions of dollars. I love serving people, helping people, loving people. 

It's just that….

I want to love people freely.  I don't want to give them things with the price tag of believing what I believe,  listening to what I think, or changing themselves to live to my idea of morality.  I want to just love them because they have value.  I want them to know they have value…. and that I see it.  I don't want to have an agenda, an agenda of any kind.  I don't want to manipulate.  I don't want to convince anybody of anything.  I want my love to be freely given, and able to be freely accepted.  I want to love people where they are without the idea that they need to grow, or be better, or do better. 

Once I realized that, it wasn't a huge jump to realize, my missionary days were over.  And thus…. the Death, the very tragic death of my life long dream.  It has been a lot of changing how I think of the world…. how think of my life, and how I think of loving people. 

I have a new mission statement for my life…. "What is the most loving choice".  Cause…………. Love……….

How can you go wrong with love? 

The Death of a Dream

I've always, from the time I can remember, wanted to be a missionary, seriously, before I was even following Christ…. Odd as that sounds.  I have always, from the very beginning,  found my identity in that.  In my inner most being I have always been a missionary at heart.  When something was amiss, when something seemed off, or I needed to make a decision.  I always went back to that on simple truth…. I AM A MISSIONARY.  It was kind of my mission statement, how I decided my next move, the ground I stood on.

until…..

It wasn't.  

The hardest thing I have ever faced is the death of my dream, my life, my identity.  The moment it hit me I felt sick, a deep nauseous feeling in the most inner part of my being.  I wept bitter tears…. not on the outside, but in my soul.  Ugg…. It was a horrible day, week, month when I realized this new truth…. just horrible.  

BUT... when the mourning stopped there was a freedom that I had never known, just waiting for me.  The world is now open to me.  I am no longer State Side just waiting for my call to leave.  I am grounded, present, living here…... North of Eden.  Portola is not my dream location and we are not in my dream home, but we are free.  We are free to love, free to choose, free to be who and where we are,  free to find our way, and free to create adventures right were we are.  Free to just……... BE.

So, here I am now.  I retired my old blog with my old ideas and my old way of life…. I thought about revamping it (the blog), I thought about just moving on with my past right there in my background, easy to look back on…. but I couldn't.  I had to shed that piece of me to move forward…. truly forward.  The blog is still there, you can still read about my journey, I may even bring back some of the archives, some pieces of wisdom here an there, but my hope is something very different for this space.  My hope is to be present here.  My hope is that I will look at where I stand in that moment, possibly look forward to the future, but not to live in the past, where I was, what I believed, how I lived, the mistakes I made, or even at the future that could have been.  I want to be present, I want to be real… sharing real things, real struggles, real beauty, real fun, and real heartache.  I'm sure this blog will go though seasons of drought, seasons of shallowness, seasons of intense beautify and also of intense sorrow, because it will follow myself and all that is beautiful and imperfect in this life.