Trying Not to Run

I have been wrestling lately, and my lately i mean the last 3 or so years.  My faith has changed to the point where my former self would have called me a heretic, would say I have lost my faith, would say i have lost my way.  And…. maybe I have.  I'm at the point where I'm not sure about much… I look around and can not deny intelligent design, artistry in nature, morality, or our innate need to believe in something bigger.  That, for me, is truth…. But i am realizing i don't know much beyond that.  And I think I am going to have to ask some big questions, no matter how sucky that is.

There is so much that I don't like about the Church / Christianity / the Bible, things that I no longer believe, and that I'm confused about that I wonder what is left of the faith that once described me.  On the flip side…. there is so much that I love about Jesus / Grace / Spirituality, so much that I do believe, and a lot that I am confident in (and people in the faith that I dearly love, not just because of who they are, but also, you know, who they follow) that I can't just cut the strings that seem to hold me here and just, you know, run.  Running is what I want to do, what feels right, what feels good.  Just running, and believing, like i always have…. or not…. just making a decision…. not doubting, not wavering.  I hate doubting cause it feels…. wrong… it feels scary… but…. Thinking, hashing it out, exploring, digging though, questioning myself, questioning God, honestly questioning everything i know, talking about it….. working though the doubt and landing where I land…. that's what I know I need to do…. It's just so…  so uncomfortable, so confusing.